Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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