That reminds me...we need to get swords
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am available for nakedness
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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