okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Blood and glitter go together right?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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