I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
