It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
