3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
