All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
