It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
