I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
