It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am one with the molecules
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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