i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
