my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
