Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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