speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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