So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
