Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
