dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
