he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
