Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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