i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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