Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
