I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
