This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's like a pop up book from hell.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize