I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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