he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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