My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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