I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
