Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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