Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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