birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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