I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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