Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
