I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
