Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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