You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
