He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
