Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
