you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
