god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
