i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize