ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
