I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
