i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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