and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Drunk is not a location!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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