yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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