Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
