so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
