sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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