If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
