If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
