Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
