did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
