Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
