For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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