My Higher Power is John Stamos
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
