I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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