News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
