How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize