I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
