What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
