The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
