haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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