So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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