Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
