Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
