opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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